If you would have asked me a year ago if I had ever thought about going fly fishing, my answer would have been “No”.

I don’t particularly like fish, and the last time I went fishing was probably with my grandfather when I wasn’t even a teenager. I was his only granddaughter, and therefore I did not have to put the worm on the hook or take the fish off the hook if we were fortunate enough to catch anything. My grandfather did all of that for me. All I had to do was hold the rod, sit in the boat and enjoy the day on the lake.

So when some friends suggested I go on a retreat for women with metastatic breast cancer with Casting For Recovery needless to say I was a little skeptical.

I submitted my application and promptly forgot about it until I got the notification that I had been selected to participate. I have been trying to stretch outside of my comfort zone and explore new things this year. As the weekend started to get closer I found myself getting excited about trying another new thing. For me, it has been about adventure and this was going to be another adventure for me. If I liked it great, and if I didn’t then it was just one weekend.

We arrived on Friday afternoon, and the volunteers were all incredibly friendly. They were excited to meet all of the participants and genuinely happy to be spending the weekend with this group of metastatic breast cancer women and share their love of fly fishing.

We came from different parts of Texas, but we all had one thing in common: Metastatic Breast Cancer. Some of us were older, some younger, some with husbands/boyfriends, some without. But we instantly bonded with one another.

I thought I was just there to get some fly-fishing lessons and then go out to the river and practice what we had learned. I quickly found out there was so much more to the weekend than I ever imagined. There were several indications of how this would be more than just a fly fishing weekend:

#1: the first person I met upon check-in smiled and told me her first name. That didn’t seem odd until I realized she was an oncologist and was here to give additional support to us throughout the weekend. Maybe you aren’t like me, but I don’t usually call doctors by their first names. It was so refreshing to meet her and get to know her as an individual who has a passion for fly fishing and a passion for caring for her patients.

#2: Although I did know another participant prior to the retreat, everyone I met was so grateful for the opportunity to come together with others who understood what they were going through. In Austin, we are extremely fortunate to have access to many resources that I have taken for granted. We have a wonderful organization for women diagnosed with Breast Cancer called the Breast Cancer Resource Center. Several of the women mentioned that this was the first time they were able to connect with other women with #MBC.

#3: Friday was about getting our equipment and getting to know one another. We had an evening activity learning to tie a fly. I can’t say that my fly came out exactly as planned, but it wasn’t about that. The volunteers assisted but didn’t take over and let us each create our unique fly. Then they gave us a box full of flies that were made just for those of us on the retreat. People whom I have never met, thought it was important to share their gift of time and love of tying flies to make flies for women who may never even take them out of the box.

#4: the agenda had two opportunities to learn and practice the art of casting. I’m here to tell you that what you see in the movies (i.e. Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It) makes it seem a lot easier than it actually is. It really is an art form and I had no idea that so much thought went into fly fishing. We practiced, we were coached on how to hold the rod, how to let the line out and even what to do if we did catch a fish. But more than that, we learned that having a rod in our hands was a good way to forget about why this particular group had come together and enjoy the beauty of nature around us.

#5: Saturday afternoon we had the opportunity to sit down and ask the oncologist (the one that I knew by first name now) any questions. I’m usually quiet during these discussions because as I have written before I sometimes feel like a fraud around others with #MBC. During this discussion, I realized I have the opportunity to offer hope to others – although not everyone stated how long they have been living with #MBC, I think I was the one with the most longevity (9 years) and was able to offer hope to those who have not been living with it for as long as I have.

#6: God has a way of putting people in your path to help you grow or to help you discover how far you have come. Sunday morning we went to the river. There we were assigned a river helper. Each one of us had an experienced fisherman/woman to assist us with our fishing experience. They were there to tie the flies on the hook, assist us with our casting (if for some reason we hooked a tree instead of a fish), if we were fortunate enough to catch a fish they would help with bringing it in and taking it off the hook and throwing it back in the river (we were doing catch and release only). I was paired with a very nice gentleman who had been a river guide for these retreats for several years. We began to talk and I soon learned that his wife had been on one of these retreats. We discovered we had more in common when he told me he was a widower. I am grateful that he wanted to continue to be involved with Casting for Recovery after losing his wife. We talked about how unfair it was that our spouses were taken from us by such an awful disease. I confided that although I wish my husband was still here, I am thankful for the time we had together and while I believe he still watches out for me, he would like me to be happy and make memories while I am still able. I shared my motto “I will choose to do what I can, when I can, while I can.” And that was why I had applied to participate in this retreat.

I left the retreat Sunday afternoon and reflected more on the conversations I had with the participants and the volunteers than thinking about the fact that I did not catch a fish – which I now realize was the real reason I am grateful for the opportunity for this retreat and others like it.

The question remains if I will go fly fishing again. I think I will. I appreciated the mindfulness of being in nature and the art of the casting. I’ve even found a shop near me where I can learn more about fly tying.

What NOT to say….. I was going to say to a cancer patient or caregiver, but honestly, to anyone. These phrases should not be in your conversation go to’s

God doesn’t give you more than you can handle

Let me start by saying I am a Christian. I believe in a loving God. That being said there is so much that goes into that one statement. First, it implies that God DID this to you. Which brings the debate about pre-destination. I don’t believe that God GAVE me this. If He did, we are going to have a long talk if and when I meet Him in person. I know I’m not the only one to have gone through cancer. Second, the statement implies I don’t need any help. FALSE. I cannot handle this and God knows it. God wants me to ask for help, from him, from friends, from whatever community I am involved in. We are not here to do this thing called life alone.

I cannot handle what has been GIVEN to me. I must ask for help. If I don’t, I will go insane.

God has a plan for you/this

When you are in the middle of a crisis situation (i.e. cancer patient/cancer caregiver/etc) the last thing you want to hear is God has a plan. Again, we could talk about the pre-destination debate. But let’s not. There is so much to be discussed there, a blog post would not do it justice. I do believe that God can turn what seems like a horrible situation into something positive. I am of the belief that God’s ultimate plan is for us to Love Him and Love those around us. Bob Goff said it best in his book Love Does (link to audible book, not an affiliate link, just highly recommend the book). Does that mean that cancer, for me, my husband and my father was part of His Plan? My answer is NO. And please don’t tell me that. Just act out of love towards me. What does that look like? Be a friend, bring me lunch when sitting in the infusion room for endless hours. If you ask if I want to go see a movie and I tell you I can’t leave the house, ask if I would like you to come over and watch a movie here.

Just don’t tell me God has a plan. I will tell you God’s plan is Love, it has nothing to do with Cancer.

 I know how you feel

Do you really know how I feel? I don’t think so. Do you have stage 4 cancer? Do you have a husband that ALSO has stage 4 cancer? Do you have a parent that ALSO has stage 4 cancer? I know I’m not the first one in this situation. I won’t be the last. But quite frankly, the chance you know how I feel is somewhere between slim and none . You probably aren’t even in the same ballpark.

If you don’t know a person’s specific situation, it is highly unlikely you know how they feel. If you do know the situation, the more appropriate response might be “I can’t even imagine how you feel.”

And last, but not least, my personal favorite “So, what happened to you?”

As I’ve said numerous times, I don’t look like I have cancer. I look healthy. Most people see me and probably wonder why does she walk with a cane. In an effort to feel connected, the question usually comes. Sometimes, I can just smile and change the subject, but other times it is harder. Especially when it is combined with the “I know how you feel” statement above.

I don’t like to make people feel uncomfortable, but when they persist, it usually ends up awkward for them. Recently, I was picking up my car. The cashier noticed I was walking with a cane. The questions started. I tried to change the subject, but she did not take the hints. As she continued, she told me about her hip surgery and how it was the best thing she had done and she wished she hadn’t waited so long. Great, I thought. I’m happy for you. Then, the awkwardness. She asked “So, what are you waiting for?” Really? I did not know this woman and spoke to her for less than 5 minutes but she wants to know what I was waiting for. In my best I didn’t want this to get awkward tone, I told her I had surgery, I had stage 4 cancer and that I would use this cane for the rest of my life. In my head I added “Thanks for asking!” The cashier next to her also figured out quickly how awkward the situation was, they both offered to keep me in their prayers. I paid my bill and left.

A great general rule, if you are in a situation where you are interacting with someone for what should less than 5 minutes, don’t ask “what happened to you?” Ask them if they are having a nice day. Tell them you like the shirt they are wearing. If they look like they need assistance, offer help. Just don’t make the mistake of asking “what happened to you?”