Dear J.R.,

I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

Thanksgiving day will be 4 months since you’ve been gone. It doesn’t really feel like a festive occasion this year.

I see friends posting on Facebook everyday with their daily “Today I’m thankful for…..” post. I have not joined in. I find it hard to find a new thing everyday to be thankful for right now.

I am thankful for family, friends and sleep. But that only covers 3 days of thankfulness.

Each night I try to count my blessings (sometimes that is the only way I can get to sleep).

I’m so very thankful for the 23 plus years we had together. I’m thankful for the two beautiful daughters we raised together. I’m thankful for the love we shared and the life we had. We #BuiltaLifeTogether.

So many people say that it is hard to be sad when you count your blessings.

When grieving, I find this to be very untrue.

When I count my blessings, or the things I’m thankful for (since this is the month of Thanks) it does not lessen the grief and sadness I feel. But it does help me get through the day. It reminds me that I have a reason to get up, get dressed and get out and participate in life.

Life can still slap me in the face when I’m least expecting it. Like when a song comes on the radio that makes me think of you, or when I see something in the store and think you would like it. Or when I see a couple holding hands and want to reach out and hold your hand.

It is many small things that happen throughout the day that make me long to have a conversation with you and listen to your unique perspective. I still expect to hear your voice at times.

There are so many things I want to share with you. I wish you were here to see the house that I’m building. I wish you were here to see the Super Moon this week (it was always fun to stargaze with you and discuss the latest episode of Ancient Aliens). I wish you were here to see the Dallas Cowboys are finally in first place in the NFC East.

I’m trying hard to find small things to be thankful for everyday. There is always something to be thankful for. I try to find a reason to smile everyday as you asked me to – some days are harder than others.

I Love You. I Miss You. I’m doing my best to figure out this new life without you by my side.