Grief – 10 Lessons Learned

I can’t believe it has been a year since losing Dad and J.R. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in others, it feels like a lifetime.

What have I learned about grief in the last year?

  1. Grief is like nothing you have ever experienced. Unless you have lost someone very near to you, you will not understand the depths of grief from losing a spouse, a child or a parent.
  2. Your grief is not going to look the same as anyone else’s grief – and more importantly, that is OK. Many people will empathize with you and your loss. They will have grieved for the loss of someone they loved. Some may have found themselves in the pit of despair, while others may have bounced back to life within months. I promise to not judge your grief if you promise not to judge mine.
  3. You cannot push grief to the side. It will come no matter how much you want to ignore it. You must let it happen. One of the best books I read was “You Can Heal Your Heart” by Louise L. Har and David Kessler. One of my favorite quotes from the book is “The only way out of the pain is through it. You must feel it, but not stay in it or live your life from it.”
  4. It is ok to enjoy life even in the midst of grief – it means you know you are still alive.
  5. Joy is a choice. Grief can make you feel like you will never find joy again. But if you make the choice, you can find joy. At first, it may just be in small things like the smell of freshly baked bread, over time you will begin to notice a change in how you see things.
  6. Finding joy and looking for joy does NOT nullify the feelings you have for your loved one. In fact, it honors them. In his last letter to me, my husband told me to find a reason to smile every day. Seeking out those opportunities to find something to smile about is honoring him and the love we shared.
  7. Grief has no time table. You cannot place a deadline on grief. It will continue to be there as you learn to navigate this new you. After a time it may become easier (you may not find yourself crying every single moment you think of them), but it will always be a part of who you are becoming.
  8. Friends. You need them in your life. On days when you don’t think you can move forward, they are there to help you either get up and get out. or sit with you while you cry.
  9. Life continues whether you want it to or not. Some days it feels like you are watching the world through a telescope. Watching through the telescope it is hard to see the world turning and life moving on. When you look away from the telescope you realize that your friends have returned to their normal life and it is hard to realize that you, too, must move or you will be trampled by the overwhelming sense of loss.
  10. Be gentle with yourself. I’m still navigating the grief. Some days are better than others. This week, the first anniversary, I realize that there are still many raw nerves exposed that can be set off by the slightest thing such as a memory, a song, or a picture. I’m learning to be gentle with myself at both ends of the pendulum – when the raw, grief nerve is touched and when I find joy in the small things around me. Both are honest, justifiable, understandable responses to living.