BuiltaLife

Offering hope to those on the path behind me

Tag: Our Story (Page 1 of 4)

Kim and J.R.

Another First – Father’s Day without a Father

06/15/2017 / / 2 Comments

I have been a little low this week. At first I thought it was being back from vacation, but that should have worn off already. Then I thought it was because I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday, but that was just a 6-week regularly scheduled check-in – not a big deal.

It wasn’t until this morning when I opened Facebook and saw it:

Don't forget Father's Day

Father’s Day is on Sunday

 

That is when it clicked. Father’s Day. A day to celebrate the men in our lives. Only this year, we don’t have two of them.

This is one of those Firsts that you hear about when people talk about grief.

It is our first Father’s Day without a Father. My first Father’s day in 50 plus years to not be able to talk to my dad and wish him a Happy Father’s day.

The first Father’s day in 22 years (yes, he got a Father’s day gift when I was pregnant with our first daughter) where I will not roll over in the morning and tell my husband before anyone else Happy Father’s Day.

I admit I have gotten better at identifying why I am feeling down, but this one snuck up on me. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because of all of the activity that we have had going on lately.

Since March life has been moving ahead. I closed on my new house and moved, I sold our old house, my oldest graduated from college, we went on a cruise to celebrate graduation and surviving the past year. Next week we are going to look for apartments for my oldest who will now be moving on to graduate school.

All of that in three and a half months is enough for anyone. much less someone who had 2 devastating losses less than a year ago. Sometimes I look at my kids and I amazed at how well they have handled this year.

On Sunday I will hug my girls, tell them how proud I am of them.

In my heart I will wish I was calling my dad one more time to tell him Happy Father’s day….

Happy Father’s Day Dad

…And giving my husband another homemade coupon entitling the bearer to a  trip to Barnes and Noble with his spouse to watch him read every back cover on the Sci-Fi aisle, looking for the perfect next book.

Happy Father’s Day J.R 

Choose Joy Daily

From Grief to Choosing Joy

05/04/2017 / / 0 Comments

It seems I’m seeing more and more posts and books about Grief these days. And not the Charlie Brown “Good Grief” kind.

I purchased Sheryl Sandberg’s recently published book called “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy” Although this is not a book review, so far I give the book two thumbs up. She speaks directly to me. However, I am a person who is still grieving, just like her.

Many Facebook posts I see about grief are titled something along the lines of “Things I wish people understood about losing _______”(you can fill in the blank with parent, child, spouse, even close friend).

Until I was thrown into the depths of grief, none of these books or blog posts would have hit me the way they do now.

While I think it is great to have a dialogue about grief, because keeping it bottled up is not the answer, people are never going to understand the depths of grief until they have found themselves swallowed by it.

It is not something that is easily explained, nor can you set a time limit on it. Someone who has never experienced grief will not understand that the hole in your heart will never be filled again. At some point, scar tissue will form over the hole, but as anyone with a scar will tell you, you will always remember the story of how you got that scar.

Have you ever had a scar that when you touch it the wrong way, or bump into something, your brain gets the pain signal? It is not the same pain signal you may have gotten when you were originally injured, but it is a reminder that the injury was there. The same can be said for grief. Over time, the scar tissue will form, the pain won’t be as intense as the original, but it is still there. And you never know what will be the trigger (like bumping into furniture in the middle of the night, especially after you have just rearranged, grief rearranges things in my path all the time).

Somewhere along the grief journey I discovered Emily McDowell greeting cards (even before they were mentioned in Sheryl’s book).  Her cards are funny and honest. I love them. My personal favorite is:

Funny But Honest

I have been blessed with some amazing friends and family in my life. While they may not understand the depth of my grief, they have been there for me and continue to be there for me when that scar tissue gets bumped and sends the pain signal.

It has been just over 9 months since my father (7/20/16) and my husband (7/24/16) passed away. And while the scar has begun to form over the hole in my heart, the only way that I can carry on is to Choose Joy daily. By choosing joy, I’m helping that scar to form so the hole does not feel like such a void.

Get up and Walk? Are you crazy?

03/31/2017 / / 0 Comments

Modern medicine still amazes me!  Here I was with a brand new rebuilt hip and the very next morning the physical therapist tells me it is time to get up and walk.  Just like that. Who did she think she was, Jesus? She might as well have said “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk” (John 5:8).

I looked at her like she was joking, the look she gave me said she wasn’t. Here I was less than 24 hours out of a major surgery and I’m wondering how in the world I’m supposed to get up and walk. I hadn’t been able to walk for the last 10 months.  It was a good thing for pain medications!

My first attempt to get up and walk I made it all the way to the bathroom door. All 5 steps. Wow. That was exhausting.

The next time I was able to get as far as the hospital room door. In other words, I added about 3 more steps.

The physical therapists kept coming back, it didn’t matter if it was the same one or not, they all made me get up and walk. Granted it was with a walker, and they were holding onto me. But those first steps were some of the most exhausting steps I’ve taken in my life.

Surgery was on Tuesday, and by Saturday the doctor was telling me it was time to go to rehab. I will tell you I was excited to get out of the hospital, but I was terrified of how much more they might expect of me at the rehab facility.

Sitting in a wheelchair after arriving at the Physical Therapy Rehab facility Sunday August, 8. 2011.

Sunday morning, it was time to head to rehab where they would teach me to walk again.

They transferred me via ambulance. Check that off the bucket list! Not sure that it was ever on my bucket list, and honestly it was the most painful ride ever. I think the driver managed to find EVERY single pot hole in San Antonio. There were not enough pain medications for that trip!

We finally arrived at my new home for the next few weeks. I was never so grateful to be out of a vehicle.

I guess the therapists at the new facility decided an ambulance ride through San Antonio was enough torture for one day. I met my nurses, got settled in my room and slept really well that night.

If you have never spent any time in a physical therapy rehab facility, let me just say I was significantly younger than 99% of the people staying there.

After being there for a few short days, it became obvious that many of the other patients were not happy about being there. When the nurses and nurses aides came to my room and looked worn out. My husband (J.R.) and I talked to them, asked them about their families, found out their stories. They became our family. I like to think they left my room feeling a little refreshed because we weren’t yelling at them. J.R. had brought a bag of silicone bracelets our church wore all summer they were red and said “God is Big Enough”), he gave one to each of the nurses/nurses aides that came in my room. Many of them wore the bracelet the entire time I was there.

I spent 10 days in the rehab facility, but the people I met there made a lasting impression on me. I hope we made a lasting impression on them.

Time to go HOME!

 

Counting Blessings Vs. Grief

11/14/2016 / / 0 Comments

Dear J.R.,

I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

Thanksgiving day will be 4 months since you’ve been gone. It doesn’t really feel like a festive occasion this year.

I see friends posting on Facebook everyday with their daily “Today I’m thankful for…..” post. I have not joined in. I find it hard to find a new thing everyday to be thankful for right now.

I am thankful for family, friends and sleep. But that only covers 3 days of thankfulness.

Each night I try to count my blessings (sometimes that is the only way I can get to sleep).

I’m so very thankful for the 23 plus years we had together. I’m thankful for the two beautiful daughters we raised together. I’m thankful for the love we shared and the life we had. We #BuiltaLifeTogether.

So many people say that it is hard to be sad when you count your blessings.

When grieving, I find this to be very untrue.

When I count my blessings, or the things I’m thankful for (since this is the month of Thanks) it does not lessen the grief and sadness I feel. But it does help me get through the day. It reminds me that I have a reason to get up, get dressed and get out and participate in life.

Life can still slap me in the face when I’m least expecting it. Like when a song comes on the radio that makes me think of you, or when I see something in the store and think you would like it. Or when I see a couple holding hands and want to reach out and hold your hand.

It is many small things that happen throughout the day that make me long to have a conversation with you and listen to your unique perspective. I still expect to hear your voice at times.

There are so many things I want to share with you. I wish you were here to see the house that I’m building. I wish you were here to see the Super Moon this week (it was always fun to stargaze with you and discuss the latest episode of Ancient Aliens). I wish you were here to see the Dallas Cowboys are finally in first place in the NFC East.

I’m trying hard to find small things to be thankful for everyday. There is always something to be thankful for. I try to find a reason to smile everyday as you asked me to – some days are harder than others.

I Love You. I Miss You. I’m doing my best to figure out this new life without you by my side.

Enduring the Pinktober Fest

10/14/2016 / / 0 Comments

enduiring-pinktober

As you might have guessed, Pinktober is not my favorite month. Every year when October rolls around we are inundated with Pink Ribbons and Facebook posts asking us to do something silly like posting the color of our underwear or other such foolishness.

I will admit for the first 7 years after my original diagnosis I was sucked into believing that it was all a good thing. I have tons of breast cancer awareness shirts, cups, mugs, wristbands, etc that I purchased over the years, or that others purchased for me.

I fell into the trap of thinking I had done everything right and that because of that I was GOOD. After 7 years, I had been lulled into believing that I HAD BEAT CANCER.

If you have read any of the previous posts, you know I did not BEAT CANCER.

what-stage-4-looked-like

In August 2011 I had surgery to repair my hip destroyed by metastatic breast cancer. This photo is in the rehab hospital. Note I’m sporting the Pinktober shirt.

Just as I celebrated 7 years of being cancer free, I got the phone call.

My journey took the Stage 4 Exit onto a new cancer highway.

Last week was my cancerversary for my stage 3 diagnosis 13 years ago. This week I can celebrate my Stage 4 cancerversary. The celebration is that I am still here to share my story. But it is a bittersweet celebration. One that I wish no one would have to celebrate. Continue reading

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