Offering hope to those on the path behind me

Category: My Story (Page 15 of 24)

A Lot has happened in Two Months

What has happened in the last two months? More than you can even imagine.

When you have cancer, you never really know when things are going to get crazy. Well, for me, that happened (again), in late November and December.

You see, I had been having pain in my reconstructed hip and then an infection started to show up.

This was new, odd, and completely unexpected. After all, I had my hip reconstructed six and a half years ago, in August 2011 (you can read more about that here).

My surgeon did an MRI in November to see if there was anything else going on and, thankfully, the results were that there was some inflammation. The surgeon aspirated it and sent that off for a biopsy and it, too, came back negative (yea again).

In December, after several rounds of antibiotics not really working, the surgeon decided that it would be best to “go in and clean it out.” It meant a trip to the hospital and a “small surgery” that would only take about 30 minutes.

On December 9th, I arrived, completely at ease, because the MRI and the biopsy had both indicated that this was nothing more than an infection, and the “small surgery” would fix everything.

That surgery did take only about 30 minutes. However, what the surgeon found when he got in there was that my entire prosthesis was infected. After much deliberation about how to proceed (I will spare you all of those details for now), it was determined that my prosthesis (all of them, after all the original surgery was much more than just a hip replacement).

The morning of December 14th I went back to surgery. This one was much longer than the “small surgery” by several hours. Afterwards, I had nothing holding my hip together anymore.

The human body is an amazing thing. I left the hospital on the 18th of December (got to spend Christmas at home with my wonderful daughters) on a walker. I was putting about 20% of my body weight on my leg, and my surgeon was/is hopeful that I will build enough scar tissue and muscle to be able to walk with a cane.

January came and I was back to physical therapy. If you want to see a physical therapist at a loss for words, tell him you do not have a hip anymore and that you have a goal to walk with a cane.

I started going to PT three times a week, and have now graduated to 2 times a week. Each time they introduce a new exercise, they ask if I think I can do it or not. My response is always “I’m willing to give it a shot. If it doesn’t work, I will let you know.”

In the midst of all of the physical therapy, it was also time for my regularly scheduled scans. This article does a great job of explaining the roller coaster ride of living from scan to scan.

I am happy to report that “it was just an infection” in my hip, and all my scans showed that I am STABLE. I will continue with PT, stay on my current medication that has kept me stable for over four years, and continue to live joyfully until the next scan.

 

 

 

 

 

Becoming a Social Introvert

I am the first to admit that I am an Introvert. Some people may think of introverts as shy, but that is not exactly the truth. An introvert recharges oneself by being alone, while an extrovert gets energized being around people.

I have been an introvert my whole life. I like small groups as opposed to large ones. I can get almost a claustrophobic like feeling when I’m in big groups. It’s not that I don’t like people. I do, but as an introvert, I can feel overwhelmed and extremely drained after being around too many people.

I started reading Micheal Hyatt’s book ‘Your Best Year Ever’ this month with my church Life Group. We all took his Lifescore quiz. Not surprisingly, one of my low scores was Social; I scored a 5 out of a possible 12. I already knew this about myself and before I even took the quiz, I had already planned to work on being more social (not a resolution, but a promise).

But when you are an introvert, how do you suddenly become more social? That was the question.

My answer: Being social does not mean I have to go out in big groups. Instead, I can be more social by being more intentional about planning a lunch with a friend. Or by having a few people over for dinner. It does not mean that I have to go to 6th Street in Downtown Austin on Friday or Saturday night.

Over the past 18 months, I’ve learned that just because you are an introvert does not mean you don’t want to be around people. I live by myself and find that I actually need to be around other people – just in moderation.

[A short side note for those of you who aren’t around me much, I had to have surgery in December for an infection and currently I am unable to drive. I am having to rely on friends and family to take me to doctor’s appointments and physical therapy.]

I have found that I have really enjoyed the conversations in the car going to and from appointments. This is my social time.

I also learned that I don’t have to leave my house to be social. And, no that does not mean Facebook, Instagram and SnapChat. It means I can have friends come to my house and just hang out. We can order a pizza and catch up or watch a cheesy Hallmark movie.

As I was thinking about how to improve my social skills this morning (especially as an introvert), I realized that some of my friendships were like my house. I used to be the person that would not let someone come over if the house wasn’t spic and span. I was putting on a happy face, clean house style, for friends to come over. But in a true relationship/friendship, you have to be willing to share the messy stuff (even if the messy stuff is just the dishes from lunch still on the kitchen counter). Just like a dirty house, I can’t hide my imperfections from true friends if I want to have real relationships.

I am fortunate to have many friends who have seen my imperfections and brokenness and still want to come over to sit on the couch, eat pizza and maybe share a bottle of wine.

Cheers to this Introvert learning to be more social in 2018.

 

 

 

 

Butterflies, Miracles and God’s Timing

Do you believe in Miracles?

A few days ago I was doing the weekly maintenance on my hot tub. There were several butterflies flitting about the yard. Butterflies have always been my sign from God, and I have extended that to J.R. the past months. I asked God (the butterfly) to land on the hot tub side so I would know it was J.R.

I’m always looking for signs that he is watching over me and happy with the choices I’ve made since he has been gone. When you have made all of your decisions together for over 20 years, you still seek reassurance from the one you used to make all your decisions with.

I waited and waited. Sure that it would eventually land on the hot tub, but finally, I had to leave. As I walked away I knew it was J.R., in true J.R. fashion, the butterfly continued to flit around and land everywhere but on the side of the hot tub where I asked it to land. All our married life, he did things on his schedule and not on mine. It was a constant frustration for me while he was alive. Now, all I could do was laugh, knowing how much he knew it irritated me.

I realized that this was not unlike our prayers with/to God. God does things on his own timeline. We may ask for something, expecting it to happen on our timeline. But God’s time is infinite, unlike ours. So when He does things on His timeline, it may frustrate us that it is not done as quickly as we would like. When a prayer is answered it may not be in the way in which we expect it, but He is taking care of things in ways we cannot comprehend or understand.

I have been reading some blog posts recently where the author was asking God for miraculous healing. In one post, the author had a long list of friends or family that he was asking God to heal. In another, the author was the one who had asked for the healing. In both of the posts, the authors “received” miraculous healing.

I admit I have a hard time with these posts. In my days of self-doubt, it makes me wonder if I don’t have enough faith. Do I not ask for healing in the “right way”?

I know that there is nothing that is going to bring J.R. back to life. I have asked for healing, for myself, for my husband before he passed, for my dad before he passed. While I do not claim to have received a miraculous healing (I still have Stage 4 Breast Cancer), it is a miracle that I am still here 7 years after my Stage 4 diagnosis (14 years since my original diagnosis).

It occurred to me as I was reading these blogs and thinking about the butterflies that were flitting around, that these authors were not writing to me. I was not their intended audience. Much like the disciples who wrote to different audiences, I too, am writing for a different audience.

I’m not going to claim miraculous healing. I am going to claim that God has done miracles in my life and now it is time to honor those miracles and live a life of purpose – to glorify God in my own way and by sharing my story.

MBC – a glimpse at just one day

I want to give you a small glimpse into what it is like to live with Metastatic Breast Cancer or MBC (also known as Stage 4 Breast Cancer).

Time stands still while you are waiting for a phone call

I try not to let MBC control my life, but there are some days when I just can’t help it.

I’ve had MBC since 2010. Since then I have had scans every 3, 4 or 6 months.  More frequently at the beginning, and then the doctor started to spread them out as I became “stable” with no signs of progression. The scans are so routine, that when I call to schedule them, I sometimes have to help the scheduler understand how to get them on the schedule in the right order (you know, because if you have to get more than one scan done, you want to get them all done on the same day so you don’t have to go back another day).

A couple of weeks ago it was time to have my scans done again. I have had so many of these scans that I should be a member of a frequent scanner plan (too bad that isn’t a thing, I’m sure I would be eligible for my free scans by now). I go in like a pro. I’m dressed so I don’t have to change into a gown for the scans. I schedule the CT for first thing in the morning because it requires me to fast (no eating or drinking for 6 hours before).  The total bone scan requires an injection and a 3-hour wait before the actual scan begins. This gives me time to go get breakfast after the CT is done and then still be done with the scans before I’ve lost the entire day.

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Ours not to reason WHY – Alfred Lord Tennyson

Early on in our education, we are taught to ask the questions (especially when writing) – Who, What, When, Where and WHY.

If you are a storyteller you need to be able to share all the information (and if you are a dramatic storyteller, you know when to best share each of those ideas) to those listening or reading. If there is no WHY, then what is the point of the story?

If you are a scientist, you are driven by the WHY. Why does something happen the way it does? If I do this other thing will it change the way that happened? If so, then WHY?

And if you are a 2-year-old, you constantly ask WHY? So much so that the parent’s response may come back as “because I said so.”

But as a Christian, if you ask WHY, you are likely to not get an answer. You may get other people’s opinion and/or told to “look to the Bible”. But does that really ever answer the question WHY?

I heard a great line by a presenter in a bible study I am taking. I’m not sure the exact wording, but it was something like this:

You can’t ask WHY or you won’t be able to HEAL.

Believe me, there are thousands of times I would like to ask the question Why.

  • Why do I have cancer?
  • Why did it come back?
  • Why did dad get cancer?
  • Why did he have 3 types of cancer?
  • Why did J.R. get cancer?
  • Why am I still here when they both had such a shorter battle?
  • And the list goes on…

One thing I have learned on this journey of mine, I will not have an answer to these questions. I do not know, nor will I ever know what caused my cancer. And in order to move forward, I have to be OK with that.

Friends and acquaintances are sometimes shocked that I can get up and face the world each day. How do I do it? (Oh, yeah, I forgot that one at the beginning).

The HOW lies in not dwelling on the WHY.

This is not a debate about whether God caused the cancer, or if God could have taken the cancer away.

No, this is more. This is about believing and trusting God to be present in my life. Through the good (there was lots of that) and the bad (there has been lots of that, too) God is present, He rejoices with us and He mourns with us.

I don’t know why bad things happen, we won’t likely ever know. But through Faith, I can HEAL and face today, tomorrow, and as many days as I have ahead of me

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