BuiltaLife

Offering hope to those on the path behind me

Category: My Story (Page 16 of 24)

October is not happy Pink Ribbons for everyone

10/03/2017 / / 0 Comments

To lighten the mood some during my rant. You can’t help but smile when you see a bunch of puppies and kittens.

This is my annual Rant about October.

I HATE OCTOBER.

There, I said it.

Fall used to be my favorite season. While I still love the idea of Fall – the cooler weather, the football games (at least college games) and the changing colors (if I were to go visit friends where that actually happens) – the month of October is dreadful.

It all started in October of 2010 (because I was naive and bought into the pink ribbon stuff when I had “Beat Cancer” the first time). If you have read my blog, you may already know that in October 2010 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer – in other words, the breast cancer that I beat in 2003, came back and now had made its home in other parts of my body, in my case in my bones.

I get tired of all of the Pink Hype that we are bombarded with during the month of October. For those of us living with metastatic breast cancer, every day/month is breast cancer awareness. I live with the treatments, scars and side effects on a daily basis.

This year October has been harder, and it is only October 3rd. The week leading up to October had several anniversaries – the anniversary of learning my husband had Stage 4 Renal Cancer, the anniversary of a close friend’s death, then turn the calendar to my husband’s birthday on October 1st (without him here to celebrate), and now I face October 8th and 10th – the anniversaries of my diagnosis of Stage 3 and then Stage 4 breast cancer.

It feels like I can’t get out from under this cloud, as someone said to me on Sunday “The hits just keep on coming.”

Then there are the “encouraging” posts on social media like “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.” – yes, I saw this one twice in the last 3 days. I think I have done a pretty good job in the reacting to it most of the time, but there are days when the 10% hits you harder than others.

People are always asking me how I am doing. And if I’m honest…I’m tired. And I’m tired of being tired. I would like a vacation from it all, but unfortunately, we don’t get a vacation from these kinds of things. We just have to learn how to get through them until we can see the sunshine again.

I’m really good at putting on a mask when I am outside the house, but at home, especially this past week and this week so far, I’m having a hard time finding the joy, but I am continuing to look for it. I put up some Halloween decorations around the house to get into the “spirit” of things.

All this to say, be gentle with those around you. Some may just have a mask on, but if you look closely enough you may see the crack in the mask. Give them the hug they are afraid to ask for. Show them that they are loved. It may just be the thing that gets them through the next rough patch.

P.S. My heart is broken for the people of Houston, Florida, Puerto Rico, Mexico and Las Vegas. There are no words

 

By the Grace of God

09/26/2017 / / 1 Comment

Around us every day, God is working to make something beautiful out of something that may not have been so beautiful to begin with. But do we recognize that is what is happening?

As many of you know it has been a rough few years. I was retelling my abbreviated story to some folks the other day and once again I was told how “strong” I was.

I will be honest with you, I don’t feel strong most of the time.

I’ve been trying to work on a book and have been struggling with the common thread. Obviously, the book it about how I got to where I am today, including the hills and the valleys.

I’ve been asking God to help me discern how to tie it all together. This morning as I was tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep I was thinking about the comments that I have received over the past two years (well, probably longer than that, but let’s just go with two years).

I’ve been told I’m strong. I’ve been told how much God is with me. I’ve gotten blank stares of disbelief and been asked “How do you keep going?”

Last night I heard a friend say she gets by “by the Grace of God.”

And while that is true, it may not be what you think.

The Grace of God is not just mine to use to get by. Instead, I get by because of the Grace extended to me by my Friends and the people that I have surrounded myself with.

If there is one thing I have learned through all of this, man was not made to get through life alone.

The Grace of God has been shown to me by the actions of those around me. One definition of God’s Grace is “God’s love in action towards men who merited the opposite of love.”

I will be the first to tell you that I am not the easiest person to be around, especially while my husband and father were fighting for their lives. There were/are days when the pain is more than I want to put up with. But God continues to show Grace by sending people to surround me and show love in action.

That is what is meant when people say “By the Grace of God.”

I am thankful every night that God continues to bestow his Grace upon me. I hope you will see where God is bestowing Grace upon you.

 

 

#TodaysAwesome

09/07/2017 / / 1 Comment

A few year’s ago I used #TodaysAwesome in my Facebook Page. It was to remind me, and those that follow me that there is something awesome in every day. Sometimes we just have to look a little harder.

This morning I realized that I had not been using that hashtag ever since life took a little wind out of my sails (OK, it took a lot of wind, but you know what I mean).

I started this blog to write about my cancer journey, and over the past two years, it morphed into several things along the way.

When it comes right down to it there are lots of blogs about cancer. And yes, I do consider myself an expert at least about my cancer and my husband’s cancer. The last year I have touched on grief which, unfortunately, I have become an expert on my own personal grief as well.

But my original intention (even when it was the story of my cancer) was to be an encourager. To encourage those that have cancer to live life to the fullest. To not let cancer beat them, at least mentally.

That is half the reason the blog is called BuiltaLife (yes, my last name is Builta), but beyond that, I did not want to sit back and let life happen to me. I wanted to build a life that would show those around me that cancer is not going to win.

So today I am making it my goal to get back to looking for the Awesome in the Ordinary. To find that little glimmer of sunshine and to remind myself every day there is something awesome all around us if we just look for it.

Where did you see Awesome today?

God's Will

Why? Do you know your Why?

08/16/2017 / / 0 Comments

Know your Why.     Arghhhhh, I hate that 3-word sentence.

My sister in law sent me a video this week. She was celebrating her birthday. WIth the video she commented, “let’s all have a year of focussing on the Why instead of the What.”

Honestly, I didn’t even want to watch the video at first.

I have struggled with the word WHY for a very long time.

If you have ever done multi-level-marketing (MLM) then you already know that every Leader/Enroller starts with “What’s your WHY?”

And while I have many blessings in my life, I have never found a WHY compelling enough to be successful in any of the MLM’s I’ve been involved with (some of them I am still a ‘valued customer’ and love the products). [And please, if you are reading this, do not reach out to me about any MLM, I’ve decided that is not the way I want to use my influence or my energy even if you do have “THE BEST PRODUCT EVER”]

God’s Will

 

This past year my struggle with the word WHY has been because of the death of my husband (and my father). I had to quit asking myself things like “Why am I still here?” “Why have I lived almost seven years with stage 4 cancer?”. Inevitably it would lead me to “Why are they not here?”

 

I have come to accept that I cannot understand God’s reasons for the things that happened the last two years. But this morning as I write this post I noticed a small book a friend gave me a couple of years ago ‘Why? – Making Sense of God’s Will’ by Adam Hamilton. Chapter 3 is entitled “Why Can’t I See God’s Will for my Life?” and the cornerstone verse is Colossians 1:9

 

Below is the video. I did finally open it and I’m glad I did…

Wow. That was powerful.

When you know your Why your What becomes more impactful.

I’m still struggling with Why, but I know when I find it I will be unstoppable.

Have a great day!

Grief 10 Lessons Learned

Grief – 10 Lessons learned this year

07/21/2017 / / 0 Comments

Grief – 10 Lessons Learned

I can’t believe it has been a year since losing Dad and J.R. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in others, it feels like a lifetime.

What have I learned about grief in the last year?

  1. Grief is like nothing you have ever experienced. Unless you have lost someone very near to you, you will not understand the depths of grief from losing a spouse, a child or a parent.
  2. Your grief is not going to look the same as anyone else’s grief – and more importantly, that is OK. Many people will empathize with you and your loss. They will have grieved for the loss of someone they loved. Some may have found themselves in the pit of despair, while others may have bounced back to life within months. I promise to not judge your grief if you promise not to judge mine.
  3. You cannot push grief to the side. It will come no matter how much you want to ignore it. You must let it happen. One of the best books I read was “You Can Heal Your Heart” by Louise L. Har and David Kessler. One of my favorite quotes from the book is “The only way out of the pain is through it. You must feel it, but not stay in it or live your life from it.”
  4. It is ok to enjoy life even in the midst of grief – it means you know you are still alive.
  5. Joy is a choice. Grief can make you feel like you will never find joy again. But if you make the choice, you can find joy. At first, it may just be in small things like the smell of freshly baked bread, over time you will begin to notice a change in how you see things.
  6. Finding joy and looking for joy does NOT nullify the feelings you have for your loved one. In fact, it honors them. In his last letter to me, my husband told me to find a reason to smile every day. Seeking out those opportunities to find something to smile about is honoring him and the love we shared.
  7. Grief has no time table. You cannot place a deadline on grief. It will continue to be there as you learn to navigate this new you. After a time it may become easier (you may not find yourself crying every single moment you think of them), but it will always be a part of who you are becoming.
  8. Friends. You need them in your life. On days when you don’t think you can move forward, they are there to help you either get up and get out. or sit with you while you cry.
  9. Life continues whether you want it to or not. Some days it feels like you are watching the world through a telescope. Watching through the telescope it is hard to see the world turning and life moving on. When you look away from the telescope you realize that your friends have returned to their normal life and it is hard to realize that you, too, must move or you will be trampled by the overwhelming sense of loss.
  10. Be gentle with yourself. I’m still navigating the grief. Some days are better than others. This week, the first anniversary, I realize that there are still many raw nerves exposed that can be set off by the slightest thing such as a memory, a song, or a picture. I’m learning to be gentle with myself at both ends of the pendulum – when the raw, grief nerve is touched and when I find joy in the small things around me. Both are honest, justifiable, understandable responses to living.

 

 

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