Category: My Story (Page 22 of 24)

My treatment ended as abruptly as it started. I finished chemo and radiation and now there was nothing left except a 5 year regimen of a daily dose of Tamoxifen.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the minor depression that was settling in. From October through June I had something to focus on. There were surgeries, treatment dates, and doctor visits. Something always to look forward to and know that I was DOING something to beat the cancer.

Now that all of these things were done, there was nothing to  concentrate on, nothing to look at and think “Here you go cancer, get out of my body.”

It took me a few months to realize that depression was setting in. I started to notice I was tired constantly. But that was because I just finished radiation. I started to notice that I had a lack of focus, that could be because of the drugs that I had poured into my body, or even the new one that I was taking daily.

I began to go back to a normal life, one that did not include daily radiation visits, or infusions of chemicals into my body every few weeks. There were follow up visits to the doctor, but that was all they were.

It wasn’t until I broached the subject with my doctor I found out how common it is for cancer patients to be depressed when treatment ends. As doctor’s are prone to do, the answer was another drug. I agreed to take the medication. I took the medication for the depression for a few months. It helped and I was able to wean off and get back to what life had to offer.

Soon we were back to life. My hair grew back. I continued to work. I helped my kids with homework. I watched soccer games and went to swim meets.

At some point during the 5 year daily regimen of taking Tamoxifen I began to feel like the Cancer was in the past. I had done everything the doctor had asked of me. And even started to believe that first voice again that maybe there had been a mistake. Maybe I didn’t really ever have Cancer. But if I did…Cancer came, I kicked it’s A$$ and life was mine again.

There was no need to worry about it coming back. Or was there?

By January 2004 I had already had three chemo treatments and had five more to go. I was looking forward, not back. Chemo would be completed by sometime in April 2004 and we would move forward from there.

When you are a cancer patient (just like anything in life, really) you make a choice. Do I choose to move forward and continue the fight or do I  dwell in the ‘What if’s’ and dwell in the past. It is easy to dwell in the past and play the ‘what if’ game, but it is not productive. Maybe that is why people are always surprised with my attitude. Each morning I wake up I remind myself that I cannot change what happened yesterday I can only focus on today.

My treatment plan called for 4 treatments of Adraimycin/Cytoxan (A/C) and 4 treatments of Taxotere.  I had finished 3 treatments of the Red Devil as A/C is commonly referred to because of it’s bright red color.

I had my final A/C treatment in January with no complications. Whew. That is now behind me. What’s next?

As I have mentioned before each of hte treatment came about 3 weeks a part. This same schedule continued when I switched to Taxotere.

With no crazy adverse effects from the Taxotere (none that stand out in my mind at any rate), I was scheduled to finish my chemo treatments in April.

Thursday, April 8, 2004. Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday. For those who may not know, that is the day the church recognizes the Last Supper. It is the Thursday before Good Friday and Easter.

I took this to be a good sign. It was my own personal Maundy Thursday. I had the Last Chemo and was looking forward to Monday where I would be celebrating new life.

I admit it. I have a problem with perfectionism.

No. I’m not perfect. I know that and I’m sure people around me know it too.

But for some reason, my head tells me if I can’t do it right, then don’t do it. I don’t want to fail. If I try and fail, then I won’t be perfect.

Sound familiar? Anyone? I’m sure I’m not alone in this, right?

The past few years I have learned to be much more forgiving…at least to those around me. Somehow I have figured out that others are not perfect and that putting that pressure on them made all of us fragile. Relationships can become quite strained when you expect those around you to be perfect. Especially your children and your spouse.

My relationship with my daughters has improved immeasurably (at least in my opinion) because I’m not showing them disappointment first. I am congratulating them on trying. Hopefully, as they keep trying they will continue to spread their wings and soar.

Somehow, however, I have failed to give myself that same kind of permission. I have slowly gotten a little better, but the reality is that I have not perfectly accepted that I am not perfect.

The last half of 2015 has offered me a lot of reasons to step out of my comfort zone and try things.

As scary as that is, I am realizing that it is scarier to have not tried than to have tried and failed.

As I sit here on this beautiful Christmas Eve morning I offer myself a present for the new year: the gift of Failure.

I will choose each morning to reopen the gift and see what it will offer me.