How are you feeling?

I get asked that a lot.

If I’m being honest, I feel:

• Angry
• Blessed
• Cheated
• Determined
• Exhausted, emotionally and physically
• Frayed
• Guilty
• Hopeful
• Inspirational
• Jaded
• Knowledgeable
• Loved
• Maternal
• Needy
• Optimistic
• Pessimistic
• Queasy
• Reassuring
• Sentimental
• Terrified and Thankful
• Useless
• Vulnerable
• Warriorlike
• Xenodochial (learned a new word today – friendly to strangers)
• Yucky
• Zero

It has been 11 weeks since my husband was diagnosed with cancer. And I still don’t have the answer to the question

I think that is because it depends on the time of day, the day of the week, and generally what has been going on that day.

There are definitely times when I feel optimistic about the treatment and the potential for beating this nasty disease. I mean, I have been fighting this thing for 12 years. If I can do it, so can he.

Then there are times when I look at the Christmas tree and hope that Christmas will be a joyful experience for all of us this year. Not knowing what the future holds.

There are days when I put on the armor and am ready to fight, and there are days when I am physically and mentally exhausted and think “I just need to make it til bedtime so I can start fresh tomorrow.”

There are days that I just don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, so I just feel zero, zilch, nothing. That’s probably not completely true, because even on the worrisome, exhausted, angry days I still have Love and Admiration for the man I call my husband.

We are in this fight together. We have good days and we have bad. But we have each other to get us through and give us a reason to make it to tomorrow when we can have a renewed sense of hope.

At the end of each day, before I finally fall asleep, I thank God for all He has given us. A good marriage, two beautiful daughters, love, laughter and friendship. I feel BLESSED.

I just ordered the ‘Thankful Heart Gratitude Journal’  from FitlikeFlint.com and I am excited to give them as Christmas gifts. Because remembering the little things that make us grateful makes you and the person you are writing about feel Blessed.

It has been 10 days since my last post (4 Things I learned during my 31 day writing challenge). That almost sounds like a confession. I guess it is. I confess I have not been focused since the 31 day challenge ended.

Today I realized that I did not include the most important thing that I learned during the challenge. Or maybe, I just figured it out and therefore didn’t include it because I didn’t know yet.

During the 31 day challenge, I wrote everyday. I committed to the writing and even though I was the only one holding myself accountable, I was able to accomplish the feat even when life threw curve balls at me and my family.

Having not written or posted for the last 10 days made me realize that a tangible, defined goal is what I need. Call it motivation. Call it accountability, or simply call it a goal.

So today I set a new goal. And I hope that you will hold me accountable.

I will continue to tell my story (I don’t want to say finish, since I am still here and kicking) and get you caught up to the current state of my health by the end of January (hopefully sooner, but with doctor’s appointments and the holidays, I am giving myself some grace).  I will post a new part of the story each week. Along with my story, I will introduce you to my husband and include his story, making the whole thing now Our Story.

If you just joined me on the 31 day challenge, welcome to My Story, Our Story.

Is there something that you want to do but haven’t set a goal? What is holding you back?