How are you feeling?

I get asked that a lot.

If I’m being honest, I feel:

• Angry
• Blessed
• Cheated
• Determined
• Exhausted, emotionally and physically
• Frayed
• Guilty
• Hopeful
• Inspirational
• Jaded
• Knowledgeable
• Loved
• Maternal
• Needy
• Optimistic
• Pessimistic
• Queasy
• Reassuring
• Sentimental
• Terrified and Thankful
• Useless
• Vulnerable
• Warriorlike
• Xenodochial (learned a new word today – friendly to strangers)
• Yucky
• Zero

It has been 11 weeks since my husband was diagnosed with cancer. And I still don’t have the answer to the question

I think that is because it depends on the time of day, the day of the week, and generally what has been going on that day.

There are definitely times when I feel optimistic about the treatment and the potential for beating this nasty disease. I mean, I have been fighting this thing for 12 years. If I can do it, so can he.

Then there are times when I look at the Christmas tree and hope that Christmas will be a joyful experience for all of us this year. Not knowing what the future holds.

There are days when I put on the armor and am ready to fight, and there are days when I am physically and mentally exhausted and think “I just need to make it til bedtime so I can start fresh tomorrow.”

There are days that I just don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, so I just feel zero, zilch, nothing. That’s probably not completely true, because even on the worrisome, exhausted, angry days I still have Love and Admiration for the man I call my husband.

We are in this fight together. We have good days and we have bad. But we have each other to get us through and give us a reason to make it to tomorrow when we can have a renewed sense of hope.

At the end of each day, before I finally fall asleep, I thank God for all He has given us. A good marriage, two beautiful daughters, love, laughter and friendship. I feel BLESSED.

I just ordered the ‘Thankful Heart Gratitude Journal’  from FitlikeFlint.com and I am excited to give them as Christmas gifts. Because remembering the little things that make us grateful makes you and the person you are writing about feel Blessed.