What NOT to say….. I was going to say to a cancer patient or caregiver, but honestly, to anyone. These phrases should not be in your conversation go to’s

God doesn’t give you more than you can handle

Let me start by saying I am a Christian. I believe in a loving God. That being said there is so much that goes into that one statement. First, it implies that God DID this to you. Which brings the debate about pre-destination. I don’t believe that God GAVE me this. If He did, we are going to have a long talk if and when I meet Him in person. I know I’m not the only one to have gone through cancer. Second, the statement implies I don’t need any help. FALSE. I cannot handle this and God knows it. God wants me to ask for help, from him, from friends, from whatever community I am involved in. We are not here to do this thing called life alone.

I cannot handle what has been GIVEN to me. I must ask for help. If I don’t, I will go insane.

God has a plan for you/this

When you are in the middle of a crisis situation (i.e. cancer patient/cancer caregiver/etc) the last thing you want to hear is God has a plan. Again, we could talk about the pre-destination debate. But let’s not. There is so much to be discussed there, a blog post would not do it justice. I do believe that God can turn what seems like a horrible situation into something positive. I am of the belief that God’s ultimate plan is for us to Love Him and Love those around us. Bob Goff said it best in his book Love Does (link to audible book, not an affiliate link, just highly recommend the book). Does that mean that cancer, for me, my husband and my father was part of His Plan? My answer is NO. And please don’t tell me that. Just act out of love towards me. What does that look like? Be a friend, bring me lunch when sitting in the infusion room for endless hours. If you ask if I want to go see a movie and I tell you I can’t leave the house, ask if I would like you to come over and watch a movie here.

Just don’t tell me God has a plan. I will tell you God’s plan is Love, it has nothing to do with Cancer.

 I know how you feel

Do you really know how I feel? I don’t think so. Do you have stage 4 cancer? Do you have a husband that ALSO has stage 4 cancer? Do you have a parent that ALSO has stage 4 cancer? I know I’m not the first one in this situation. I won’t be the last. But quite frankly, the chance you know how I feel is somewhere between slim and none . You probably aren’t even in the same ballpark.

If you don’t know a person’s specific situation, it is highly unlikely you know how they feel. If you do know the situation, the more appropriate response might be “I can’t even imagine how you feel.”

And last, but not least, my personal favorite “So, what happened to you?”

As I’ve said numerous times, I don’t look like I have cancer. I look healthy. Most people see me and probably wonder why does she walk with a cane. In an effort to feel connected, the question usually comes. Sometimes, I can just smile and change the subject, but other times it is harder. Especially when it is combined with the “I know how you feel” statement above.

I don’t like to make people feel uncomfortable, but when they persist, it usually ends up awkward for them. Recently, I was picking up my car. The cashier noticed I was walking with a cane. The questions started. I tried to change the subject, but she did not take the hints. As she continued, she told me about her hip surgery and how it was the best thing she had done and she wished she hadn’t waited so long. Great, I thought. I’m happy for you. Then, the awkwardness. She asked “So, what are you waiting for?” Really? I did not know this woman and spoke to her for less than 5 minutes but she wants to know what I was waiting for. In my best I didn’t want this to get awkward tone, I told her I had surgery, I had stage 4 cancer and that I would use this cane for the rest of my life. In my head I added “Thanks for asking!” The cashier next to her also figured out quickly how awkward the situation was, they both offered to keep me in their prayers. I paid my bill and left.

A great general rule, if you are in a situation where you are interacting with someone for what should less than 5 minutes, don’t ask “what happened to you?” Ask them if they are having a nice day. Tell them you like the shirt they are wearing. If they look like they need assistance, offer help. Just don’t make the mistake of asking “what happened to you?”