BuiltaLife

Offering hope to those on the path behind me

Page 22 of 33

It never dawned on me it might be cancer again

02/26/2016 / / 0 Comments

Life returned to normal after a while. My hair grew back. Kids had school. I had work. I saw my oncologist a couple of times a year and eventually, I even ‘graduated’ to once a year.

After a few years, it was like that time in our life was just a little blip on the radar. It was something that was in our rear All clear for over 5 yearsview mirror. No need to look back. Time to move forward and enjoy life again.

Each year came and went….2004…2005…2006…2007…2008…2009… Until…

 

May 2010 – I began working out with my youngest daughter. She had a friend who wanted her to run cross-country with her the next school year. I decided I would go with her to the school and get in shape. I even had the app Couch to 5K to help both of us with the training.

I noticed my lower back was hurting. Since we had just started working out, I thought my body was just mad at me for trying to run/walk several days a week. I pushed through and continued to go to the school with her for a few more weeks.

As the summer went on, it would seem to get better and then I would do something else that would cause pain. There was always some kind of explanation for the pain. Once I stepped off a stool after changing a light bulb and it hurt again. Always it would seem to get better after some rest.

In August, my oldest daughter and I drove to St. Louis to visit family. When we got there I could barely get out of the car. My sister in-law made an appointment with her chiropractor. I went several times the week we were there and again, it seemed to be helping.

When I got home I found a local chiropractor and began seeing him regularly.

October 2010 – I could no longer explain away the pain. I made an appointment to see my regular doctor and a friend offered to drive me. At that point it still had not dawned on me that cancer might be the cause for my pain.

After a brief visit, the doctor sent me for x-rays. When I came back she told me there were 3 possibilities: 1) I had a hairline fracture in my hip that was causing the pain, 2) I might have cancer and 3) I honestly do not know what she said as my mind was racing about hearing cancer again. Surely this was not happening again.

She told me I needed to use crutches and keep as much weight off my leg as possible. As we got to the car, my friend made a comment about how calm I was when the doctor said ‘cancer’. Little did she know I was falling apart on the inside.

Treatment ended as abruptly as it started

02/18/2016 / / 0 Comments

My treatment ended as abruptly as it started. I finished chemo and radiation and now there was nothing left except a 5 year regimen of a daily dose of Tamoxifen.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the minor depression that was settling in. From October through June I had something to focus on. There were surgeries, treatment dates, and doctor visits. Something always to look forward to and know that I was DOING something to beat the cancer.

Now that all of these things were done, there was nothing to  concentrate on, nothing to look at and think “Here you go cancer, get out of my body.”

It took me a few months to realize that depression was setting in. I started to notice I was tired constantly. But that was because I just finished radiation. I started to notice that I had a lack of focus, that could be because of the drugs that I had poured into my body, or even the new one that I was taking daily.

I began to go back to a normal life, one that did not include daily radiation visits, or infusions of chemicals into my body every few weeks. There were follow up visits to the doctor, but that was all they were.

It wasn’t until I broached the subject with my doctor I found out how common it is for cancer patients to be depressed when treatmCancer came, I kicked it's A$$, and life was mine again.ent ends. As doctor’s are prone to do, the answer was another drug. I agreed to take the medication. I took the medication for the depression for a few months. It helped and I was able to wean off and get back to what life had to offer.

Soon we were back to life. My hair grew back. I continued to work. I helped my kids with homework. I watched soccer games and went to swim meets.

At some point during the 5 year daily regimen of taking Tamoxifen I began to feel like the Cancer was in the past. I had done everything the doctor had asked of me. And even started to believe that first voice again that maybe there had been a mistake. Maybe I didn’t really ever have Cancer. But if I did…Cancer came, I kicked it’s A$$ and life was mine again.

There was no need to worry about it coming back. Or was there?

 

Confetti, a Bell and a Certificate – Treatment is Finished

02/08/2016 / / 0 Comments

At the door to the infusion room there is a bell. I didn’t really notice it at first. Then, while I was sitting there with drugs dripping into my veins, someone rang the bell and the nurses threw confetti signifying they had finished their treatment.

I got to ring the bell. Eight total treatments from November to April. It was a small celebration, with confetti and  a certificate indicating my treatment was complete. OK. But what’s next?

After a few weeks I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor. For me, treatment was really complete yet. I still had a cycle of radiation to go. I met with the radiation oncologist, who just happened to be downstairs, and got my orders.

Before beginning radiation, I had to have my “pillow” made. So many new and unique experiences that unless you have had cancer you do not understand. The pillow has some sort of beads in it and you lie on it in just the right position. Somehow the pillow becomes a mold that allows you to stay in the same position for all of your treatments. Every day, they pull out your pillow and away you go watching the machine rotate around you and zapping radiation into targeted areas to kill any more cancer cells that might be left.

Radiation is a long process, but it does not take very long. That must sound strange. The actual radiation treatment only took about 10 minutes once I was on the table. But, it was 10 minutes every day for 20 days (no weekends).

I would schedule the radiation treatment either first thing in the morning or later in the afternoon depending on my schedule. Since the office was about half way between work and home it was very convenient (convenient – not really a word I thought I would ever use when talking about cancer).

The radiation does not have many immediate side effects. While I was getting my radiation treatment it was just another appointment on the calendar. However, as the radiation began to accumulate, I became more tired and it was harder to have energy for much more than getting up, going to work and driving home.

The most memorable experience of the radiation treatment was AFTER  it was completed. A few days after I received my last treatment I woke up and realized I felt like I had the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life (if you recall, my cancer is breast cancer, so putting on a bra was impossible, sorry guys if that is too much information).

Once again, God showed how he is in the small stuff. My radiation treatment ended just before out offices closed for a week for the July 4th holiday. I had a full week to sleep, recover and heal my burn before I had to return to work.

 

Confetti congrats

Another bell, another confetti celebration and another certificate of completion….But What Is Next?

 

My own Maundy Thursday

02/02/2016 / / 0 Comments

By January 2004 I had already had three chemo treatments and had five more to go. I was looking forward, not back. Chemo would be completed by sometime in April 2004 and we would move forward from there.

When you are a cancer patient (just like anything in life, really) you make a choice. Do I choose to move forward and continue the fight or do I  dwell in the ‘What if’s’ and dwell in the past. It is easy to dwell in the past and play the ‘what if’ game, but it is not productive. Maybe that is why people are always surprised with my attitude. Each morning I wake up I remind myself that I cannot change what happened yesterday I can only focus on today.

My treatment plan called for 4 treatments of Adraimycin/Cytoxan (A/C) and 4 treatments of Taxotere.  I had finished 3 treatments of the Red Devil as A/C is commonly referred to because of it’s bright red color.

I had my final A/C treatment in January with no complications. Whew. That is now behind me. What’s next?

As I have mentioned before each of hte treatment came about 3 weeks a part. This same schedule continued when I switched to Taxotere.

With no crazy adverse effects from the Taxotere (none that stand out in my mind at any rate), I was scheduled to finish my chemo treatments in April.

Thursday, April 8, 2004. Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday. For those who may not know, that is the day the church recognizes the Last Supper. It is the Thursday before Good Friday and Easter.

I took this to be a good sign. It was my own personal Maundy Thursday. I had the Last Chemo and was looking forward to Monday where I would be celebrating new life.

 

Be Awesome – But don’t tell anyone

01/11/2016 / / 1 Comment

This morning I finally (I’m not too disciplined in my reading, I’m trying to get better about that this year) finished reading a book I highly recommend. Love Does by Bob Goff.

If you haven’t read it. Go to the library or the bookstore (brick and mortar or virtual) and pick up a copy. It has definitely changed my perspective on how I’m living, speaking and thinking about others.

Bob (I feel like I can call him that after getting to know him through his book, he doesn’t seem like the Mr. Goff type) makes so many great points in his book about being engaged in Life and doing things, anything and everything, out of Love. If you do, then life – yours and those that you are interacting with – is just better.

I admit I have been a little down after the holidays. The past three months have taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. If this is your first time reading this blog you may want to check out Day One or The Day my life changed.

One of my favorite chapters was “Lose the Cape”.

In the “Lose the Cape” chapter, Bob talks about how Jesus wants us to be secretly incredible. He writes “I think instead, Jesus wants us to write ‘Be Awesome’ on an undershirt where it won’t be seen, not on the back of a hoodie.” I love this. I want to be Awesome like that.

In a world where people are bombarded by everyone trying to prove how awesome they are to anyone who will listen (think Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) how much fun would it be to be secretly awesome and know the One who really matters knows how awesome you are. In fact, as Bob says “…don’t take the bait that if we do incredible things Jesus will dig us more. He can’t. He already digs us more. And more than that, our pictures are already in His wallet.” be awesome

How cool is that? To think my picture is in Jesus’ wallet! Because we all know the only pictures in our wallets are people that we think are awesome.

I was a little disappointed a few weeks ago when I noticed that my Facebook page had “lost” a couple of followers. I don’t have many to begin with so losing a few was noticeable (ha ha). Then I read this chapter. And I decided to take off the cape. I’m not trying to be awesome for people I don’t know and prove to them how awesome I am. I am trying to be the best version of awesome I can be, and remind myself daily with #todaysawesome how awesome my life is and to be grateful for things that I used to take for granted.

In 2016, I want to live this out. I want to be awesome without having to shout it from the rooftop. Jesus would do something awesome and do you know what he would say afterwards? “Tell no one”

Let’s see how much Awesome we can spread together this year. I won’t tell if you won’t.

 

 

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2026 BuiltaLife

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑