I have scans coming up on Monday. These will be the first scans since my little “bump in the road” in June that caused me to have 10 shots of radiation to my spine in July.
I have mentioned before that scanxiety is real. I’ve lived on this roller coaster for 9 years. Until June, I had a nice long 7 year run with my friend “stable.”
During that those 7 years, I had scans every 4-5 months or about 3x a year. I had scanxiety, but it didn’t last long. Usually, I would get anxious about a day before and stay that way for a few days after – until I realized that the doctor wasn’t going to call, or I was able to get online and read the scan reports for myself and see the word “stable” at the bottom.
I had gotten really good at leaving the scanxiety behind and not letting it take over more than a few days and most of my friends didn’t even know when I was having scans. After all I didn’t want to be “that person” – you know the one that can only talk about their cancer.
This time is different. I started recognizing the signs of my scanxiety earlier than usual. Because after 7 years of stable, I did have that “bump in the road”. What if that bump becomes a pothole? What if they find another spot? What if it wasn’t just an anomaly?
My oncologist assures me that there are a lot of treatments out there that are available to me if we need to change my course of treatment. After all 7 years on one medication in the metastatic world is an anomaly all of its own.
So for the next few days, I’m going to try to not think about Monday morning and what the scans might show. My favorite youngest daughter will be home for the weekend and I plan to enjoy spending time with her.
I have been catching up on Gray’s Anatomy lately – which honestly as a cancer patient I really see all the flaws, but I watch it anyway. There was an episode where Catherine was talking to Bailey about living with cancer and always living in fear. At the end of the episode Catherine, Richard, Bailey, and Ben are riding in a limousine drinking champagne (or bubbly water for Richard) and eating greasy burgers. She tells them that is the way she wants to celebrate every scan – good or bad – from here on out. I LOVE THIS!
So who wants to go for a limo ride on Monday? The results will be what they will be, good or bad, nothing I can do about them now – I will just try my best to live beyond the scanxiety.