2016 was going to be all smiles and celebrations. My oldest daughter turned 21, my youngest daughter graduated from high school, and I celebrated half a century on this earth – 13 of them as a cancer thriver.
Last summer my girls and I plotted to talk my husband into taking a family cruise. You see, my husband had promised me for 20+ years that he was going to take me on a cruise one day. We were supposed to go on one for our honeymoon but other factors prevented that trip. Ever since I have waited for my cruise. 2016 sounded like a great year to celebrate all of the milestones in our family.
January was an optimistic month. My husband received good news at MD Anderson. The tests showed that the trial he was participating in was working and his cancer had slowed down. In fact the doctor was extremely optimistic about his status. The cancer was not growing and had become stable.
February that door was slammed. We were not able to continue going to MD Anderson for him to receive treatment. That’s a whole other story, but the long and short is the insurance company no longer contracted with MD Anderson so now we had to pursue options elsewhere.
March came and we found ourselves at the hospital at the end of the month. There was fluid in his lungs and he was having pains in his back. We found out the cancer had spread to his brain and his spine. I thought those were the longest 2 weeks of my life. I was wrong.
He stayed in the hospital almost 2 weeks, and after much dialogue with the doctors and the hospital staff, we were able to go home.
May came and we celebrated my nephew’s graduation from college. It was such a great feeling that we were able to travel together. We spent a lot of special time with family. Things were looking up again. His spine was feeling better and he got a short break from brain radiation. He was enjoying life a little.
By the middle of May he was back in the hospital. His lung capacity could not keep up and when we left the hospital we had oxygen tanks that would be his new lifeline. Every time a new diagnosis was shared with us, the wind in our sails would slow down just a little. Leaving the hospital with oxygen 24/7 was scary, and he set a goal to live to see our youngest graduate from high school on May 27th.
May 27th arrived. We had a pre-party at our house for family and friends. The 2 of us, the oxygen tank, and many friends and family watched my daughter walk across the stage and receive her diploma. It was so good to seem him out on the field hugging her and celebrating her accomplishment.
June rolled in and we were back to hoping things were turning to the positive. We were talking about goals. Setting new goals. Even writing a book together.
Before I knew it July had arrived. On the 4th my daughter turned 21. On the 7th I turned 50. We celebrated both birthdays by going to a baseball game and having a beer. Unfortunately, the heat was too much and my husband decided he did not feel he could go. We celebrated those milestones without him.
July 17th. He had a restless night. Early that morning I suggested we go to the emergency room. He agreed. Unfortunately he was too weak to get to the car on his own. We had to call for an ambulance. We spent the next few days at the hospital and learned that his latest scans showed more progression of the ugly cancer. The doctors suggested that we make arrangements with Hospice.
We came home on July 19th. I believed we would be making friends with the hospice nurse. I believed I would see them regularly over the next weeks. I have heard many great stories about people living for months on hospice or even better “graduating” from hospice and finding a new goal to look forward to.
Unfortunately, none of that came to fruition. Saturday night it became obvious that I would not be developing that long-standing relationship with the hospice nurse. My best friend and husband passed away on July 24th.
It has been one month. Life for the rest of us continues on. It is not the life I envisioned. It is not the life I wanted. But it is the life I have. He sent me a last love letter, with the help of his beautiful cousin, In it he said “I hope you find a reason to smile.” Everyday I try to find a reason to smile. and when I do I know he is smiling too.
Now we have the opportunity to make the rest of 2016 a good year. While I know everyday will not be good, I can find some good in every day.
And yes, I am going on a cruise before the end of the year!
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