Tell me something good! (Who remembers Shaka Khan signing this? Because everyone has heard of Shaka Khan after Season 3 of The Masked Singer)
We seem to all be looking for the good news these days. If you don’t believe me, just ask John Krasinski. He made a video about “Some Good News” and he even speaks with his friend Steve Carell which made us all happy. If you haven’t seen the video, click here (I promise it is worth your time).
This week I also shared some of my own good news. And for those of you who follow me, yes, it has to do with my latest scan results.
Even though I shared this news during the #StayHomeStaySafe pandemic, I was still shocked at the number of likes and comments I received.
Granted, people are usually happy for me when I post good news about my scans. But this week I heard from people who I haven’t heard from in years even though we are friends on Facebook.
It doesn’t bother me that most people on my friend list don’t comment on my posts. I have close to 500 “Facebook friends”, but honestly I probably interact with about 75-80 regularly. I usually receive a lot of likes when I post good news regarding my cancer. But this time I got over 150 likes and about 50 or more comments.
After 9 plus years of living with metastatic cancer, I understand not everyone is as concerned as I am about my latest scans, especially since I get them every 3-4 months.
Since last June my two previous scans had both shown progression. The results from my latest scan showed some of the spots from the past 2 scans were actually smaller, which means the new medication is working. Yes, I am doing my own happy dance (I even pulled out Just Dance 2016 on Xbox to do some at-home exercise – whew, it’s a good thing no one is recording that).
I would postulate good news is not just what we need today, but we need to do a better job of celebrating good news on a daily basis. Now and going forward.
So tell me something good! I really do want to celebrate with you.
Since ancient times, the wedding ring has been worn on the left-hand ring finger. According to an article in Vanity Fair (and other research), the left-hand ring finger was thought to have a vein that runs directly to the heart. The ring itself is supposed to symbolize the eternal nature of the union, with the open center representing an open portal to the unexplored life of the couple.
Wedding Rings
I have had the same engagement and wedding rings since my husband proposed (1992) and we married (1993). I was one of those people who hardly ever took my rings off. When I played golf, or to clean the rings I would remove them, but I never really took the rings off for extended periods of time.
When my husband passed away (July 24, 2016) I researched what others did with their wedding rings. I had trouble sleeping after he passed away. There were many nights when questions would just run through my head. I’m sure there were many thoughts I looked up in the wee hours of the night during the first year
“Should you continue wearing your wedding ring after your spouse dies”
one of many questions i googled the first year
My research did not come up with a definitive answer about how long widows/widowers wore their rings. Most of the articles came to the same basic conclusion, “do what is right for you.”
That made me feel better. I did not want to take off my wedding ring because when it came right down to it I still felt married. I was not ready to date, which was one common reason people decided to remove their rings.
I continued to wear my wedding rings until December 9th, 2017.
Why that specific date? That was the day I went into the hospital to have a procedure on my hip. I took my rings off that morning before heading to the hospital (ok, hospital stays were other reasons I took my rings off in the past).
The procedure I went in for turned into much more and I was in the hospital for about 10 days and actually had all of the prosthesis removed from my body (you can read more about that here). Not only did I stay in the hospital for 10 days, but I was also on antibiotics and other medications when I did come home.
When I came home from the hospital I was using a walker to get from my bed to a recliner. I didn’t really think about putting on my wedding ring. I was just trying to figure out this new situation without a hip joint.
As time passed I thought I had made the right decision.
Until one day, a few months ago I pulled my rings back out and put them on again. Why? Well, I felt like taking the rings off in December 2017 hadn’t really been my decision. I just took them off because of the hospital visit. Additionally, I was feeling disconnected. Disconnected from my husband (yes, I know that sounds strange since he has been gone for more than 3 years, but grief can make you think strange things) and disconnected from the signs I felt he used to send me.
Putting the rings on I was hoping to feel close to him again. I think I wanted to go back to those times when I felt like I was getting signs from him that were encouraging and maybe the ring was a portal, the sign of an eternal union. The signs had been less and less and I really wanted to get that connection back. I missed them. I missed him. I missed us.
A few weeks ago I had one of those aha moments (I seem to have those a lot lately about weird things but that is another story).
I was placing heavy expectations on these wedding rings. It was as though I was asking J.R. to send me signs. Signs I was making the right decisions. Signs that he was still looking down on me and watching over me.
Then it dawned on me: I was seeking signs from J.R. instead of trusting God.
The rings were an outward sign that I belonged to J.R. But honestly, I belong to God. And what outward sign am I showing that I am his child?
I took off my wedding rings after my AHA moment -not because I am ready to date (not sure that I will ever be ready) and not because I’m going into the hospital (thank goodness) – I took them off because I realized I was putting my trust in the seen (the wedding rings) and not the unseen (God). Even in this time of isolation amidst the coronavirus, I have not reached for them to put them back on. Instead, I’m keeping my focus on God and trusting the unseen.
“Write your own story with Grace, Grit and Gratitude”. That was the title of a seminar I recently attended.
While the speaker had some great thoughts that she shared (be on the lookout for future posts about what I learned) I was hoping, again, that I was going to learn HOW to tell my story.
I’m constantly trying to figure out the best way to share my story that will be meaningful and helpful to those on the path behind me. I have been seeking a class that will unlock the secret to storytelling. Each time I sign up for these classes (or seminars) I have great expectations. But I usually walk away still looking for that one thing that will make my writing helpful and hopeful to those who take the time to read it.
As I reflected on what I heard the speaker say at the latest seminar, my mind kept replaying the scene in City Slickers where Curly (Jack Palance) explains to Mitch (Billy Crystal) about the “One Thing”. [If you have never seen City Slickers, it is an underrated movie, click here and watch the scene]
I love this scene. First, Curly talks about all of the others that come to experience the Ranch Life at about the same age (can you say “midlife crisis?”). They are all looking for the secret of life and untying their knots.
Curly asks Mitch if he knows what the secret of life is. Mitch, listening intently, believing he is about to learn a great secret says “No. What?” Curly then tells him “It’s one thing. Just one thing.” Mitch asks what the one thing is, and Curly tells him “that’s what you’ve got to figure out.” The scene ends and Mitch is just as confused as he was when they set out.
Like me seeking the answers from others to meaningfully share my story, Mitch is left wondering what is the one thing.
I’ve been trying to figure out the “one thing” that has helped me through these tough years and come out on the other side. To be called by friends and others as strong or resilient. And be able to share that one thing with others. I have struggled with trying to figure out how to offer hope to people and give them the answer I think they are looking for.
But after watching and rewatching that scene from City Slickers, I realized I was still thinking like Mitch. I was expecting someone else to tell me what the one thing is to effectively share my story. When in fact, if I really listen to what Curly says – “that’s what you’ve got to figure out” – only I can figure out how to tell my story.
My hope is this blog offers hope to others who have been dealt a tough hand. To show it is possible to pick yourself up and be resilient. But I now realize it is not to tell you what the “one thing” is. Because my “one thing” may not be the same as your “one thing.”
For me, every day I got up and faced the day after a cancer diagnosis, not once but twice, with grace and gratitude was a way to teach my daughters what resilience looked like. And every day I chose to get up and face the day after my husband died was an opportunity to teach them that surrounding yourself with people who love you and lift you up when life is hard is worth every bit of the time invested to build those relationships.
I can’t tell you what “one thing” will solve whatever problem you are facing. But I can tell you when you find yours it will make it easier to face obstacles with grace and gratitude.
Leave a comment and let me know what your “one thing” is. I’d love to know what keeps you pushing forward.
“Like the story you’ve been given because it’s not going to change”
I was listening to an interview recently and the interviewee (Sally Clarkson) made this comment. (I’m not going to lie, I have never read anything by Sally Clarkson, but I subscribed to her podcast after listening to her in the interview. I loved her energy and her insight.)
At first, I was like “Yep! Own it!”
Then I let it percolate some more.
Did you ever read those books as a kid (or maybe played the computer games) where you had a choice about how the story would go? Every choice you made in the book or game, would determine where the story was going to take you. Every time it could be different based on the choices you make.
Those books/games mimic life. Every day I get the opportunity to make choices that help determine where my story is going. While what Sally said still resonates with me and I do (mostly) agree with it, I also believe my story is not fully written.
Sally is right. The past chapters of my life are not going to change. Even if I don’t like it, I have to own it. I was dealt a hand that if I had not gone all-in (in life and living), I would have folded and walked away from the table. But life is a precious gift, not something to walk away from.
The more I pondered this quote, it reminded me of a book by Adam Hamilton that I read several years ago. “Why? Making Sense of God’s Will.” There was a subsection in one of the chapters titled “Is the Story of Your Life Already Written, or Is It a Work in Progress?”
I was going through a tough time when someone gave me this book. After reading it, I wrote my own interpretation about God being “The Great Architect” – I would post a link but it was on another platform that I don’t use any longer so here is an excerpt:
My interpretation, after reading the book, is that God has a blueprint. I’m not an architect (nor have I played one on TV as the old commercial goes), but I do know that a blueprint is a plan, a starting point. Thinking in terms of building a home, it is easy for a new homeowner to think “oh, I would like to be able to put the refrigerator over there” after seeing the walls go up. A thought like that can have several different impacts to the architect. If you put the refrigerator there, we can’t put the sink here and the stove won’t fit there. The cabinets that were ordered may not fit. Or perhaps while looking through design magazines the excited homeowner sees a new design that they want to incorporate. While these changes may seem small to the owner, the architect is behind the scenes adjusting the blueprints so that the new homeowner’s vision becomes seamless. In this scenario, I am the homeowner and God is the architect. Decisions by me, or even by those around me that may impact me, or perhaps even a force of nature like a tornado or fire, change the plans. God takes the decisions/events in our lives and makes adjustments to the blueprints. It is our choice to look at the new blueprints and decide if we like the new design. God can take the challenges and the decisions that may not have been in the original plans and turn them into something beautiful. Every day the new blueprint is placed before us, we have to make the decision to accept the changes or throw them out.
(P.S. This was written many years ago and instead of editing I am reposting an actual excerpt from the original post)
So, yes, I do agree with Sally that we must embrace the story that is already written. But I believe I also have the chance to embrace the story that is still being written and make it even better than the one in my rearview mirror.
Are you embracing the story that has been written? How are you embracing the past to write the story that is yet to be written?
My house has one of those weird art niches. It is in a strange place. Only I see it regularly.
There is a small alcove that leads to the master bedroom. The niche is directly across from my bedroom door. Unless someone intentionally steps into the alcove, no one knows it is even there.
I’ve never really known what I should put in the niche. I’ve tried several things, but nothing has ever truly resonated and I am always looking for the next right thing to inspire me.
Recently I made a big decision in my life. Making the decision released in me the chance to rediscover who I am.
I’m not going to lie. I am not a minimalist. I have a collection of penguins that rivals the Antarctic (well, maybe not, but you get the point). I like to see things that remind me of who I am and where I have been. Yes, Marie Kondo, these things do spark Joy in me.
When I was moving things around in my garage in an attempt to organize it (still a work in progress), I found a small display shelf that was my husband’s. I had been searching on Wayfair and other sites for shelves that would fit inside the niche and there was one just sitting in my garage.
A daily reminder to Choose Joy
I started gathering small things from around the house that as Marie Kondo says, “Sparks Joy”. A clock my grandfather made for me, a Choose Joy sign I made at a lettering class with some friends, a few penguins, a butterfly watercolor that I made at another class (can you tell I’ve been exploring my creative side?), a frog made from one of my husband’s shirts after he passed away, a ceramic horned frog a friend gave me when I was accepted at TCU, another TCU stuffed animal, and a collection of fly fishing ties I received when I went on a retreat with Casting for Recovery.
Each morning when I walk out of my bedroom I see these things. They remind me where I have come from, who I have loved, and that I am still a work in progress like the butterfly.
Finally, I am reminded each morning to Choose Joy.
